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Happy Valentine’s Day To ME (Warning- this might be a rant)

February 14, 2012

Again, it’s Valentine’s Day and guess who does not have a date??? 😀 Yeah me! The eternal loner!

The last time I had a Valentine’s date was 2004, long time ago. I don’t celebrate it anymore but to those that do- here are some of my very own tips.

First let’s review why I don’t have a Valentine’s date and why I am virtually undateable:

1) Well, take a look at all my local men options in the Inland Empire (California): Dating Profiles of Local Men for me at plentyofish

Yes all those guys are locals. Ummm no, sorry- I’ll pass.

2) It’s So Cal- inhabited by typical California dbags– aka the men who wear socks and sandals combined with their stupid shorts, and the hipsters typing on their little lap tops at Starbucks with emo hair combed over covering their eyes combined with a silly hat. Etc..etc.. To me they are all molds of the same boring guy. Same guys, same brains, same clothes just different faces. Whereas I like different exciting guys (who are not drones) but that is too rare. Ah to live in the times of Vincent Price.

3) My hatelist-mind has more turn off than turn ons

Turns offs that I hate: (with picture examples)

  • Glasses– sorry I don’t like them, I am just not attracted to this look. It’s cool if it’s only for reading. But if it’s permanent all day glasses it’s just nerdy and I know people think I’m  vain about it. It’s just not my thing. Wear contacts.
  • Too much 50 Gallons of skunk Cologne – A man in cologne is good. It’s distinguished and it says “I care about women smelling me”. It is a sign of an elegant masculine man. And I will melt for it if I smell a manly cologne on a man. But some men just drown themselves in cologne. Just go easy on it! I don’t want to taste it, I have before and it isn’t pretty! Now, one time I smelled a guy who smelled like oranges and I liked it, I don’t know what he was wearing.  So subtle clean manly smells are good. I enjoy it. But smelling like one went swimming in gallons of roses is a no. 
  •  Short Buzz Cuts- when a guys hair is too short that it’s impossible to run my fingers through the hair. NO! Bad hair! I like long hair, thank you. No 1950s Buzz Aldren or Johnny Unitas haircuts !
  • Super long hair– I like long hair. But in a strange irony if a guy has hair running all the way down the back that’s kind of not attractive either.  It just does not work unless one works as a knight in Medieval Times (Dinner and Tournament). For that matter, it is not ok to have super long hair to the point that you must tie it in a pony tail. Women wear pony tails, not men! That’s what I admire about Beck– he’s always kept his hair at a good length throughout his career. No pony tails and no overly long hair!
  • Super Curly hair and overly fur/hair dudes
  • Unibrows- Look, every man has a unibrow that’s ok. But when there is a obvious caterpillar living above your eyes that’s different. To me it says “I don’t care what I look like”. I mean you obviously see the caterpillar living on your forehead and you do nothing about it??? I don’t care to date a guy and his pet caterpillar. You lean over to kiss him and next thing you know the caterpillar jumps on your face.
  • Pretty Boys- I don’t like em. You wanna know what a pretty boy looks like? Here’s an example: another example.  Pretty boys like this repulse me yuk!
  •  Other random turn offs: not taking care of your body. Law enforcement/military men (I fought the law). Mr Clean heads under 30, people who bash exes and or only talk about themselves on the first dates, creepers, random weirdos. Guys who wear shorts that only serve to emphasize their hairy fat calves, if you’re not playing a sport just wear pants why is it so hard?! (And I don’t think fat men and women should ever wear shorts, even if its for sports). I also don’t like super pervs (it’s ok to be kinky but not full blown perv on the first dates wait for the right moment).
  • But above all CLOSE MINDED guys.

Turn ons:

  • Basically all the opposite of the turn offs. Especially open mindedness, high spirituality, connects with the universe, positive outlook on life. Non conformity, someone who thinks outside the norm. An old soul, someone in touch with the cosmos, gilgul. Who is not afraid to be different. In essence…I like a guy who is a different. Who is not a clone of all the same. I don’t like “normies” I like someone different. Someone not materialistic. Someone a is not afraid to be awkward. Maybe because I have a peculiar mind, I find an out of this world dork to be adorable.
  • I don’t believe in “love at first sight” and for that matter, I don’t know what love is. I think I only fell in love once in my life. Other than that, it’s not easy to connect with people because I feel like I am just looking at the world through a different window. Like an observer. So, I can not and have not ever been attracted to someone who then asked me out and a Hollywood ending happened. No such thing in real life. I can never “fall in love” unless I talk to the person and be friends first. Blah blah blah.

So I do have a rather “CRUEL” way of thinking (according to some people who think I’m a major b-word because of my turn off-list )  which is why I have been told that guys are afraid to approach me. Aww they’re scared of me 😦
But to an extent, aren’t these turn offs reasonable? Everyone has things they like in the opposite gender, and even though my particular turn off makes people think I’m a B.. I just have personal preferences and if I let go of my preferences then I wont be happy dating what I don’t like. That only makes people miserable.

If my turn offs make people afraid to approach me then so be it!  And I have also been told things like “Hey Lily, I have to confess something to you…I have a girlfriend/wife now but a couple of years ago,  I used to really like you/had a major crush on you but I just never had the guts to tell you because I knew you wouldn’t be interested in me/was afraid you would reject me, blah blah blah but it’s ok because I have a girlfriend/wife now so I don’t like you anymore….and that was a long time ago, Plus we’re just friends now so it’s cool lol”. Hahahahahaha! No It’s not ok to come back and tell me this!

I HATE hearing this nonsense because guess what, I think 85% of the time I would have said yes to these guys had they had the guts. And even if my answer would have been no, I am not going to laugh at someone’s face either. In fact, being brave and going for it is more attractive. Yeah! So big loss!

So, the moral of the story is SHUT UP with this ridiculous “I had a crush on you” story. It’s just insulting. I mean what’s worse getting dumped or finding out something like this years later.

PS: If I walk into a bar 1) all the guys already have girlfriends and 2) No one would ever approach me anyways so it doesn’t matter does it. Oh did I mention I hate Valentine’s day? Yes, I am invisible. Completely invisible.

The worst part is developing crushes. Oh yes, I may not know what love is…but I have had major crushes and they all end up badly. Because to these crushes I am nothing but a “sister” or “one of the mates”. 😦  Always hard to live through a crush.

Anyways here are some dating tips for Valentine’s day:

If you are going to date someone based off what an online picture looks like beware of the “angles”. Aka people who take pictures of themselves but they’re head is turned awkwardly away from the camera to show their “good side”.

If you don’t like fat people, beware of asking someone on a date who has old full body pictures of them (from when they were 18), or really far away full body pics combined with closeups of the face only. Chances are your loved one is a 400 pound beast.

Now, interestingly enough (and talking about crushes and my heart breaking) I once had a serious crush on a man (my first real love) the same exact thing happened to him. He asked a girl out without realizing she was well over 200lbs. He just went by her angle headshot pictures on Facebook. He was very surprised by it. So, I am just making a point- beware the angles. I was even more surprised that he did not know.

Beware of….

Beware of asking someone out on a date who disappears a lot. Like they’re with you some days of the week but disappears on the weekends or at the same times during the month. Chances are that they are married and take their spouse and or children out when they’re not with you. I’ve known people this happened to and it wasn’t pretty.

My biggest tip is beware of women who expect a man to pay for everything. Some guys are gentlemen and wont hear of a girl paying (at least at the beginning) but working girls like me are VERY comfortable with spending money, and yeah I had a relationship when the guy paid one date and I pay on the next one. The important thing is be comfortable to discuss how this works out. If you can’t figure this simple thing out- chances are you’re relationship will end up going nowhere.

Most of the other things I covered on my Marriage Sux video.

The Truth About Valentine’s

This is the day when your boyfriend/girlfriend expects you to be submissive and well behaved for the sole purpose of getting engaged! So enjoy!  yes, I’m sure many people will get engaged on this forsaken day…then they’ll just end up getting divorced in a few years.

I declare Virtual Dating to be Stupid

What is Virtual dating? Well, it’s this stupid thing where people make profiles and cartoon characters of themselves and have fake dates with each other. All while they sit on their ass at home watching their cartoon characters also sit on their ass on some fake internet “restaurant”. Here’s a screenshot of what a virtual date looks like (LOL)

Yeah this is going too far in my opinion

That’s right, you make a cartoon of yourself and date other cartoonized people in FAKE bodies. I mean come on, what are the chances your “virtual date” is going to be a hot blonde and perfect 10 like the screenshot above?

Crappy Happy Valentine’s Everyone!!!!

More on “Virtual Dating”

  1. annalisa permalink

    LOL, the first pretty boy you pictured was Jared Leto ( if you did not know his name), my IDOL. I would marry him XD I guess our taste in men is a little different 😉

  2. sadie permalink

    i know!!! jared leto is… ah! ❤ esp in mscl.. hes not a pretty boy though. hes PRETTY, but hes a grungy open minded artistic really cool guy 🙂 js…

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